


In Want of Respite

by Java_bean



Category: Homestuck
Genre: A small amount of blood, Bath, Crying, Earth C (Homestuck), Hurt/Comfort, Loneliness, M/M, Partial Nudity, because you gotta be naked to be in a bath that's how those work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-24 05:06:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14348565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Java_bean/pseuds/Java_bean
Summary: Karkat wakes up scared after a nightmare, only for his fear to amplify once he realizes he's alone.  Left to his own devices, his anxiety riddled mind leads him somewhere worse.But he's not the only one having a bad night, and he's not as alone as he thinks.





	In Want of Respite

You wake up with your breath caught in your throat. Your mind is so full of fear that you can't form a coherent thought. At this moment you only know two things:

1\. You're cold and drenched in sweat.

2\. There's no one laying next to you.

Every time you wake up from a nightmare, Dave is right there. Usually he'd shake you awake before the dream gets bad, or he'd wake up shortly after you and ask you what was wrong. Then he'd hold you tight until the sun came up again or you fell back asleep. 

But there's no Dave to comfort you this time. He's gone right now and you don't know why. 

You're completely alone.

Just that alone is enough to punch a new terror straight into your chest. You sit up in bed and pull your knees up to your chest in an effort to compress the feeling, but it doesn't work. It just makes you feel small and helpless. 

You're a wriggler cowering in a pile trying to hide from the drones again. 

You're some six sweep old idiot watching your friends kill each other and not doing anything to stop it.

You're an asshole who doesn't deserve to be alive.

When did you start crying?

You didn't even notice until you actively had to choke back a sob to keep yourself quiet. Now that you're aware of it, the tears won't stop coming. It feels like ice water running down your face and tastes like the ocean. It leaves you feeling empty and nauseous. 

Your bloodpusher is so heavy it aches.

While you cry, you don't make a sound. In moments like these, you've trained yourself to be as quiet as possible. You couldn't risk anybody hearing you and coming to see if you were alright. You couldn't risk them seeing your weakness. The wrong color of your tears.

Your body is wracked with the force of another sob that you refuse to let go of. You hold your breath and bite down on your lower lip to keep your mouth shut. Dave would probably be disappointed if he saw what you were doing right now. He's been trying to coax you into crying more openly, or at least stop you from doing things that might end up hurting you just for the sake of being silent. You've been making progress, you don't hide your face from him anymore and you stopped holding your breath for awhile. You were getting better, at least a little. But it all fell apart the moment he wasn't with you.

You curl up tighter, your fingers gripping your legs so hard you feel like they'll leave bruises. You can't stop trembling. You're freezing. 

You're freezing and there's no amount of blankets that will ever make you warm again. 

The sweat on your forehead and your palms and your back is all drying up and leaving a disgusting grainy film over your skin. Your sweat is finite, but your tears are endless. They continue to flow in arctic rivers down your face. You're still trying hard to be quiet, still trying not to breathe. Sometimes you mess up, and the occasional shallow breath hisses between your teeth.

You can't breathe through your nose or you'll end up inhaling your own snot. 

Fuck, you're so gross. No wonder Dave left.

Wait.

What?

Did Dave...leave you? Did he pack up his shit while you were asleep and just leave without saying good bye? 

You can't say you'd be completely surprised. There's always been a nagging fear in the back of your head that someday he would realize that he could do better, that he _deserved_ better, and he would leave and never come back. And now your worst fears have come true.

Dave is gone and you're alone.

Something inside of you breaks apart and crumbles to dust. Your vision blurs with a new curtain of tears that you fight back to keep from spilling over. In your throat you feel a whimper building up and threatening to grow into a moan. 

You don't have the energy or willpower to hold back. Even on your best days, you've never been good at denying your emotions. 

The tears race unceremoniously down your cheeks and soak into the collar of your shirt. You resign yourself to not being able to stop yourself from crying, there's too much that hurts for that to be an option. You squeeze your eyes shut and buckle down as another wave of an unreleased cry hits you in the chest and-

oh fuck.

Ouch.

There's something hot and thick on your lip that burns its way down your chin and stain your already damp shirt. Your tongue darts out to investigate even though you already know what it is.

The sting of copper and salt explodes on your tongue as you confirm what you'd suspected all along. 

Just like that your eyes are dry. Your only concern is cleaning up before anyone sees the stupid mistake you made. You're on autopilot as you get out of bed and start walking towards the meal block. If you remember correctly there's a roll of paper towels on the counter. You'll just press one of those to your lip until it stops bleeding and then dispose of the evidence. Simple as that.

You barely register the light seeping into the hallway from the meal block. You don't think about it past squinting to protect your eyes from the oncoming harsh light. You turn the corner into the meal block.

And see Dave sitting at the table with a cup of coffee and a book of crosswords.

"What in the chitinous rubbing fuck." He's still here.

He looks just as shocked to see you.

"Hey, Karkat. You're up early." His eyebrows furrow. "Why are you covereing you mouth?"

"Oh, um.." You hadn't even noticed you were doing it. "I bit my lip earlier like a fucking moron."

Dave gets up from the table and walks over to you. You can't fucking believe he's still here. "Can I look at it?"

You nod and slowly lower your hand so he can see. You don't look at him as you do it. 

"Shit, that's bleeding pretty bad." He says, his voice full of concern. "Wait right here."

He runs off, and you're left standing in the middle of the meal block and feeling like a nook headed idiot. You know it's a pretty shallow cut, that it's just going to scab over quickly and that'll be the end of it. But Dave knows how you feel about blood. He wants to help you. He wants to make sure you're comfortable and that you feel safe no matter what. Dave's a fucking saint with a bloodpusher twice as big as his shitty oversized shades.

And you thought he abandoned you because you were too much to handle.

You're a damn stupid shitheel.

Dave comes back with a damp wash cloth. "Here."

He presses it to your lip. You'll admit, it feels a lot nicer than the paper towel would have. It's warm.

"Hey, babe," he says cautiously, "don't take this the wrong way, but you don't look so hot."

"Thanks, you're not much to look at yourself." You reply, rolling your eyes.

"No, I mean-" He makes an exasperated sound and runs his free hand through his hair, "fine, I'll just come out and fucking say it, I guess. Karkat, have you been crying?"

Your face is flushed with embarrassment and shame before you even have a chance to deny it. That's all the answer he needs. 

"Do you want to talk about it?"

You shrug. "There's nothing to talk about."

"Okay." Dave doesn't push you on the subject. He dabs at your lip one more time before tossing the washcloth in the sink. "Try not to mess with your lip for awhile or it might start bleeding again. Other than that, you good? Feeling alright and shit?"

"I'd say I'm feeling pretty fucking alright and shit. Or more like I'm feeling alright and gross as shit."

"That's a sucky combo." Dave nods. "We just bought bathbombs the other day, right?"

That's a weird change of subject. "Right?"

"Maybe you'll feel less gross if you plop one of those bad boys in your bath and have yourself a fancy ass ablution. A real luxury soak."

"That's not the worst idea I've ever heard." You snort. "Gotta hand it to you, Dave, you've really outdone yourself."

He grins. "I try. Now get your dumb butt in the bath."

 

You get your dumb butt in the bath. The water's so hot it filled the whole block with steam and the bomb you dropped into it turned the water a hazy purple color. The air is perfumed with a heavy floral scent. Violets, maybe? You don't fucking know. All you know is that it smells nice and the water feels amazing. If you're not careful you could fall asleep in here.

"Yo," Dave is looking right at you as he knocks on the open door , "you indecent?"

You try hard not to crack a smile, but fail. "Yes."

"Okay, cool I'm coming in." He walks in and takes a seat on the lid of the loadgaper. In one hand he has a mug, a different one from the one he had in the kitchen, you think. "Check this out, I made you a piping hot beverage."

He hands you the mug, and you accept it. You hold it with both hands to prevent it from slipping out of your currently not so great grasp. 

Dave brought you a cup of hot cocoa. That saccharine bastard.

"Shit, there sure is a lot of steam in here." Dave complains, taking off his shades and rubbing the lenses against his shirt. 

"Is there? Is there a lot of steam in here, with my hot bath and scalding cocoa beverage?" You reply sarcastically. "That's fucking news to me."

"Well excuse me for bothering to make an observation." He retorts as he folds his shades up and puts them on the sink. 

"No, I will never excuse you for this and you're going to have to live with the fact that you made a fucking horrible observation for the rest of your life, you utter monkey."

"Okay fine, I'll deal." He stands up. "I'm gonna get my crossword."

"Alright." You sink deeper into the water so all that's exposed are your head and hands. "Hey, you know if you wanted to, you could join me in here, Dave."

He cracks a smile and you see his face redden just a little. "I'd fucking love to, but I took a shower about an hour ago."

"Oh, okay." You try to hide your disappointment under a sip of cocoa. 

Dave leaves and comes back with his crosword puzzle, as promised. You sit in the ablution chamber and relax as watch him try to figure out the answers. You have some answers of your own you'd like to figure out.

"Hey, Karkat," Dave asks, "what's a six letter word for testicles?"

"Scrotum?"

"Yeah, that sounds about right." He nods. "Thanks for the help."

"Don't mention it." You reply. "Hey Dave, can I ask you something?"

He looks at you and puts his crossword away. "Yeah, sure. What's up?"

"Why weren't you in bed?"

"Oh." From his tone you can tell he wasn't expecting you to ask. "I don't know, I just couldn't sleep. Insomnia, I guess."

"You could've woken me up. I would've been happy to hang out with you all night."

"Honestly, I probably would've if I'd known you were gonna be having a shitty night anyway," Dave admits, "but at the time I thought it'd be better to let you sleep."

You nod in understanding. You've been in that position before and you know for a fact you would have done the same thing. "Wake me up next time, though, okay? At least to tell me you're gonna fuck off for the night. Waking up alone really freaked the shit out of me, I was about ready to drop a steaming load of what the fuck right into my pants."

He laughs.

"Yeah," you continue, unabated in the same casual tone, "for a minute there I thought you left me."

He stops laughing. You take a sip of your cocoa.

"Karkat, you know I wouldn't do that. I mean, I..." He stops talking for a second. He slides off the loadgaper and onto the floor, and then crawls over to the edge of the ablution chamber. He takes your face in his hands, squishing your cheeks slightly. "I love you, you fuck."

And then, because you can't fucking help yourself, you burst out laughing in his face. 

"Holy shit, Dave, do you realize how ridiculous this situation is? Fuck, I'm so glad we've been saying I love you for awhile because it would drive me shithive maggots if that were the first time you'd ever said it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I -wait, hold this-" You had him back the cup of cocoa and take his face in both of your hands just like he did to you. Then you go one step further and press your foreheads together. "I love you, you dumb idiot."

You pull away. "Now give me back my cocoa."

Dave hands it back to you and waits for you to continue. "I appreciate the gesture a hell of a fucking lot, but you don't need to convince me that you're not going to leave me. I was just...really fucking scared and out of it when I woke up, and you weren't there, and my fucked up pan went to terrible places. I don't really think you'd ever just fucking abandon me without saying a damn thing, but that's not going to stop that shit being something I'm afraid of."

You take another sip of your cocoa to signify that you're done talking.

Dave is just sitting there at the edge of the tub. You watch him slowly process everything you said. "You're scared of me leaving you?"

You nod. "Yes."

"You know, I'm...I'm scared of losing you, too."

"Oh, shit." You widen your eyes as if you've just made a startling revelation. "We're both disasters."

"Oh shit, indeed. Who the fuck could have seen that coming, aside from anyone who's ever met us." Dave says with a shake of his head. "Hey, I thought you said you didn't want to talk about this earlier?"

"Yeah, I figured as long as my ass was bare, I may as well bare my fucking soul, too." You shrug. "Also this water was the literal shit and made me a whole metric fuckton more comfortable talking about this. I wish I could live in this ablution chamber for the rest of my life but alas I'm not an upperclass fish dick and can't do that, and the water's getting cold. So instead I'm gonna drain this liquid paradise and send it into the sewers to mingle with the nasty filth and shit."

"And maybe someday it'll come back recycled as our drinking water." 

"Ew." 

 

Neither you nor Dave slept much at all, so whatever plans you'd had for the day are put on hold while the both of you watch tv and crash. You admitted to being pretty much exhausted as soon as you stepped out of the bath. Dave was a little less tired, which you're going to blame on the coffee he'd apparently been chugging all night long. That's something to bring up when you're more awake, though. Right now you're enjoying the privileges of being Dave's boyfried, which include using his leg as a pillow and getting to wear his cape instead of a blanket. 

Warm and snuggled up with Dave, you're practically asleep already. You can't follow anything that's going on on tv, but you can focus pretty well on the way Dave's running his fingers through your hair, some of it still damp from the bath. You've never felt so comfortable and safe in your whole life.

"Dave?" You yawn.

He doesn't stop stroking your hair. "Yeah?"

"I love you."

Right before you fall asleep, you see him smile and say, "I love you, too."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
